


The Benefits of Amnesia

by sakurasencha



Category: The Legend of Zelda & Related Fandoms, The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Crack, F/M, Fluff, Humor, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-03
Updated: 2018-05-23
Packaged: 2019-03-26 15:02:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13860204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sakurasencha/pseuds/sakurasencha
Summary: Zelda manages to be there when Link finally awakens, and can't help herself from telling a little white lie. Crackfic.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> First Zelda fic, and true to form, it's complete crack. Inspired the YouTube video of the man flirting with his own wife after waking up from surgery: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=DiviQfLyQX4
> 
> Also written for Zelink week day 1, awakening (although it's very late), and I guess technically would work for the BOTW anniversary week day 1, which is also awakening.
> 
> Once again, it's crack, so OOCness and silliness will abound.

Zelda had endured much at the hands of fate, and in turn, fate endowed her with the fortitude to endure rather much.

The stench, for example. While it was bad at first and positively gag-worthy, she eventually acclimated.

"I think we've hit a milestone." Zelda took a deep breath. "It officially smells more like moldering bones than decaying flesh."

Calamity Ganon was not as enthused. "Pooh. Next you'll tell me wildflowers are beginning to sprout in all the empty eye sockets. How is one supposed to breathe in all this chokingly fresh air?"

Calamity's company, while a bigger burden to bear, was likewise managed with a fair amount of patience and aplomb.

"Bingo again."

The castle walls shook. "Curses on you, Lanaryu's chosen! But don't think I will so easily accept defeat!" He slammed down another set of score cards. "Best four-hundred and thirty-seven out of four-hundred and thirty-nine!"

There were other trials of course, some of greater magnitude, and many of far less. But the absolute worst part of a one-hundred year quarantine with a pig-faced smoke monster was, naturally, the boredom.

"These walls," Zelda remarked one day. "How I tire of them. Completely stone gray! Why did my father leave them grey? He could have painted them yellow or green. Any color, really."

"I could paint them in your blood!" Calamity replied. His replies frequently involved blood in some capacity or another.

By the third decade, Zelda had memorized every crack and crevice within the castle. She knew the exact number of bones littered about the gallery, the number of seconds it took for a mite of dust to travel the length of the throne room, and could even free hand every detail of the main tapestry in the dining room, down to the jousting koroks in the left corner.

It was time to take matters into her own hands.

"Don't take this personally, Calamity, but I've been learning the ancient and secret art of astral projection."

"Ass-what? Tell me that doesn't mean what I think it means." A small smile curled beneath his snout. "On second thought, tell me it does!"

"Always with a mind in the gutter," she huffed. "It's called _astral projection_ , and it's where I release my spirit from my body and send it out into the world."

"I see how it is. You're tired of me. " He turned away from her. "You want some time away from me."

"You must admit our conversation has gone a tad stale."

"Ungrateful wretch! Time and time again, I come back to Hyrule, wipe everything out, turn the land into an ocean of blood, turn _you_ from a run-of-the-mill princess into something special, a _legend_ for Hylia's sake, and this is the thanks I get?"

It took a mere twenty-five years to perfect, but soon enough her consciousness was able to slip out of her body and wander the realms of her kingdom. She watched temples and shrines crumble, new generations of Hylians emerge. In time, she gained the power to communicate and project her voice into the minds of sentient beings. This, she reasoned, would be an incalculable gift once her Champion awakened.

But that wouldn't happen for another forty-odd years, and in the meantime she often amused herself by posing as animals or inanimate objects, haunting the living daylights out of unsuspecting commoners. She passed a splendid few decades in this way, playing pranks on the villagers – that is, until the unfortunate incident of the farmer who fell madly in love with his pitchfork.

"I don't know why you're so upset," Calamity said. "I found it _hilarious_."

"What I can't understand is how he fell in love with me in the first place. I only ever suggested he clean out his barn more regularly."

Finally, after ninety-nine years, she achieved her greatest goal, and the culmination of all her tireless efforts: projecting an incorporeal yet visible image of herself.

It was time.

"Calamity, I'm stepping out for awhile."

"But we're in the middle of tiddlywinks!"

"Finish it yourself. My champion's awakening. After decades of practice, I'll be there when his eyes finally open." Her heart fluttered at the thought. "And whether you like it or not."

"He's not nearly as dashing when he's not covered in his own blood." Calamity sniffed. "But I suppose I can't fault you for wanting the first glimpse of those baby blues."

"Quite right."

His roaring voice faded – _You never would have met him if it weren't for me!_ – as her spirit transcended her body and whisked away to the Temple of Resurrection – and not a moment too soon. The healing waters were draining, leaving a moist Link behind, dazedly flickering his eyelids.

Zelda's heart leapt. "Link! Oh, Link you're awake at last!" He was whole. He was perfect. He was everything she remembered, every taut line of muscle, every gorgeous strand of tawny hair. In seconds he would open his eyes and behold her, just as she had watched over his repose all those long and weary years. Her immaculate Hero, whose sacrifice and amaranthine courage kept her resolve firm and Calamity Ganon at bay from pouring his malice into Hyrule.

If only she could hear his voice. "Open your eyes, Link. Open your eyes and speak to me!"

His lips, the ones that a lifetime ago she had once brushed agasint her own, slowly parted.

" _Oooow_."

"Oh dear." While his first words after a century long slumber weren't exactly fit for the record books, at least he was vocal. "Do you hurt very much?"

He groaned. "No. Not much." His voice was thick and slow. "Just my spine. And everything attached to it." His hands pawed aimlessly at his chest. "Can I get an elixir or something?"

"Um..." Zelda cast her eyes around the temple. What had Impa and the other's left for her Hero upon his awakening? Surely – surely – they would have provided him with potions, waterskins, weapons, armor, shields, a whole arsenal of supplies at the ready, every item he would possibly need to aid him on his perilous and monumentally important duty. "I found a threadbare shirt? Would that help?"

He hadn't yet fully opened his eyes. But now he slowly turned his head towards her voice, his eyes crawled open, and he stared – blearily, quietly – puzzling over the foggy image before him. Then his eyes grew wide in what Zelda could only call amazement.

"Did Hylia send you?"

What an unusual question. "No," she replied. "Why do you ask?"

Link's lips twisted in a way she'd never seen before, in a way she could not comprehend. As ever, he was her unreadable Champion, obscure as the midnight sky, as deep and unknowable as the sea. What was he doing? What was he _thinking_? How she longed to parse the unreached depths of his soul, and –

Wait.

Was he _smirking_?

"Because you –" he pointed at her emphatically "– are a gift from the _gods_."

Zelda's mouth opened. It closed. It opened again. But nothing came forth from her lips. For the first time in her life, there was nothing to say.

There were simply no words.

Link wasn't finished. He pushed himself up to sitting, his brown hair tousled and falling over his heavy-lidded eyes, and rather dramatically said, "You are a _feast_."

"Really."

"For the eyes."

" _Really_."

He leaned forward. "Like a hot buttered apple."

How strange. Zelda steepled her fingers under chin, and considered. She knew Link enjoyed food. She knew Link was devoted to her. But he had never as yet compared her with any kind of victual, and in fact was quite allergic to metaphors in general.

What did it all mean?

Suddenly, her eyes widened. "Are you trying to compliment me?" She gestured to her face. "On how I look?"

Link nodded sagely. "You're the most beautiful woman I've ever _seen_."

"Now that, I understand." Zelda was not so inured to flattery, especially when it came from her own Champion's mouth, to keep her cheeks from growing hot at his intense gaze. And while she was gratified at the attention and wouldn't mind hearing more of it, her researcher's mind was skipping along at a pace too fast to consider flirting, even if she knew how.

The ancient texts she had read during her studies recorded that the Hero, after awakening from his life-giving slumber, would often suffer from several side effects – diminished awareness, strange behavior – which Zelda had always chalked down to the attendant memory loss.

But his manner was so altered, almost to an alarming degree. It was as though he had no inhibitions at all, as if every filter had been peeled away. If she had to draw a comparison, she would say it was not unlike inebriation, or a patient coming out of a deep sleeping elixir, the kind used for surgeries or other medical purposes. What exactly was in those resurrection waters? She wished she had taken a sample before they had seeped back into the veins and arteries of the temple.

"Link," she said slowly. "I fear the ancient waters that induced your slumber have left you...not quite yourself." She cleared her throat. "And that's putting it generously. So I am going to attempt to explain to you the situation. You are in the Temple of Resurrection and have been asleep for one-hundred years, which has caused you to lose all your memories." She paused, but he said nothing. "Really? You have no reaction to that?"

"So...who are you?" He propped an elbow on one leg and leaned his chin onto his hand. His head swayed from side to side and he looked like a might topple over at any moment. "Are you one of the Great Fairies?" His eyebrows lifted. "I've heard about them."

"No. I'm not a Great Fairy." Zelda's chest was tight, her breath shallow, and really the way he smiled at her should be illegal. "My name is Zelda, and I am…" Now, Zelda was by and large a truthful girl. She held honesty and integrity in high regard. They were the lynch pins of her character, and the traits she most admired in others.

But at the same, she was also a seventeen year old in love. "Actually...I'm your wife."

Link's mouth fell open, and this time he did topple over. "You're _my_ wife?" he exclaimed from a heap on the floor. He scrambled to his knees and held out his hands to her. With him kneeling at her feet, the scene appeared as some kind of perverse rendition of his knighting ceremony, only instead of Zelda blathering on about nobility and destiny, Link looked at her with searching eyes and whispered:

"Do you we have children together?"

By Hylia, what did she get herself into? "Not...not yet."

"But we will?"

"Perhaps."

"How long have we been married?"

"Not very long."

He rose and bent his face closer and closer until they were nearly nose to nose. "Have we kissed yet?"

Zelda took a step backwards. "Here's the thing, Link. What you see of me right here –" she held out her hands and gestured to her body "– it's not physical. It's just an image. Incorporeal – that means you can't touch it."

Link's eyes followed her hands as she pushed them straight through his chest. "Wow."

"Exactly. My body's not actually here. It's locked away in Hyrule Castle, where a great evil known as Calamity Ganon has scourged the kingdom with his endless malice."

"That sounds terrible."

"It is. But now that you've awakened all the evil done upon this land can be undone." She held out her hand to him. "It's time, Link. It's time for you to confront your destiny. You must defeat Calamity Ganon and release me from my prison, because until you do, you see, I can't do anything. Kissing or otherwise." She threw in a wink for good measure – after all, he was an erratic, half-naked Knight with no memories, and at this point there was no motivation off limits to speeding him through his quest.

Link nodded slowly. "Calamity. Castle. Got it." He flashed her a thumbs up. "Don't worry, Zelda. I'm gonna find my sword - wait, do I have a sword?" A hand flew to his waist.

"That would be helpful. But no, there's only moth eaten clothing here. You need to go find one."

"Right. I'm gonna find a sword. I'm gonna find my horse –" He stopped and glanced wildly around. "Wait. Where's my horse? _Where am I_?"

"Link...you are our only hope. You must remember." Zelda gestured to a glowing pedestal. "Take this. It's called a Sheikah Slate. It will guide you on your journey."

"Can't you just tell me what to do? Because that would be way easier."

"Just take the slate, Link." He obeyed, and Zelda's image began to wane. "My power's fading. I cannot...I cannot hold this image together much longer. You must remember. Please Link, hurry!"

"Don't worry. I will." He pointed at her dissipating form. "I'm coming for you, baby." He cocked his head. "Do you we call each other baby?"

"Remember, Link." Her consciousness was losing its grip. Every molecule of her essence was being pulled unwillingly back to the castle. Although she had exhausted all her energy to be with Link when he awoke and could therefore not accompany him on his quest, she believed, with all her heart, that Link's courage would prevail, whether in this lifetime or the next. She believed that he would recover his memories and save Hyrule.

That he would save her.

"You must _remember_!"

And at the end of it, what would be a little white lie between a Princess and her Hero?

"But don't remember _too_ much!"


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A reviewer suggested I write about Link finding out the truth, and I liked it! I originally planned just one more chapter, but it was getting long enough that I decided to split it into two, so there'll be one more after this to finish out the story.

The deed was done, the deception was complete, and Zelda's reputation was now as tarnished as her once lily-white prayer dress.

It was a sad day in Hyrule when Calamity Ganon held the moral high ground. "I'll have you know, princess, that I have never _once_ told a lie!"

Zelda's lips puckered. Her face turned roughly the shade of beet juice. "I find that extremely hard to believe!"

"Oh, it's true." He was relishing this, wasn't he? "I find honesty the highest of all virtues!"

"You do realize you're the physical incarnation of malice? That your supposed hierarchy of virtues probably include such things as wanton murder, mass slaughterings, unspeakable amounts of property damage, and general all-around mayhem?"

"And you're blushing so hard I could have mistaken you for a slit throat, but I'm not here to split hairs." He gave the deck another shuffle. "Now, back to more important matters: Gin rummy or whist?"

"Neither. I have a premier duty to watch over my champion now that he's awakened." She clasped her hands as if in prayer. "He is alone out there in the wilds of Hyrule, no friends, no allies, no memories." She bowed her head. "I must be both his protector, and his guide."

"But not, I hope, his moral compass." Calamity burst out laughing. "I confess, I haven't been this excited in decades – not since we watched your second cousin get devoured by that bear!"

Zelda frowned. "Must you say it like that? He was already dead!"

"Dear princess, let's be honest with ourselves – even if we aren't with other people. Admit it: we sorely needed a little something to shake up the rigor mortis of everyday life as divine prisoners."

Try as she might, Zelda couldn't deny the crippling monotony of their situation. "I suppose that's true."

"And now this whole shocking episode has come along and set my imagination _buzzing_!"

Zelda often shuddered at the thought of Calamity Ganon's imagination, let alone one that was buzzing. "Tell me you aren't planning something horrific involving swarms of bees?"

"Well, I _wasn't_. But now that you mention it, anaphylaxis would be a tremendous look on our young hero, now wouldn't it?"

"Calamity, please. Would you be so good as to get to the point?"

"My point is this: your Hero must eventually learn that his princess has lied to him. And then what? Will there be tears? Accusations?" He grinned wickedly. "Perhaps a nice, warm blood bath!"

"I have no taste for mass death, and neither does he, as you well know."

"Please, your highness, I don't mean some kind of murderous brawl! I mean a literal bath of blood – the ultimate in stress relievers and quite marvelous for the skin." He patted his amorphous, vaguely swine-like face. "Why do you think I look so ageless?"

Zelda rubbed her temples. She could endure this. She endured it for a hundred years, so what were a few more months? Link was awake. Link was determined. He was alive and free, and it couldn't be much longer until she was freed as well.

Until she had to confess the truth.

Zelda's heart rate went from a comfortable jog into a full sprint. "You've neglected to mention the distinct possibility that he won't find out the truth."

"I don't see how that's possible. Everyone – except for him, of course – knows the Princess of Divine and Appointed Destiny never married He Who Wields the Sword that Seals the Darkness, and in fact was bidden by the Last and Most Noble King of Hyrule to put such matters from her mind so she might better focus on being fully prepared to face the Scourge of Hyrule and All Creatures of Good that Doth Dwell Within!"

Zelda cleared her throat. "Are you finished?"

"Quite."

"Because I don't need you of all people telling me that it's rather obvious Link and I were never married." She smiled coyly. "But you forget, Calamity, that I know my hero far better than you, and there's a reason he believed me in the first place. Link, you must understand, is an emotional being. A man ruled more by momentary feelings than any prolonged, rational thought."

Calamity was silent. "Are you trying to say he's dumb?"

"No, of course not! That's not at all what I said, I merely meant –"

"Because I couldn't agree more! Finally, something we both see eye to eye on."

"Link is highly intelligent!" Her high-pitched shriek echoed across the crumbling castle walls, once, twice, three times. Once it faded entirely, she took a deep, cleansing breath and quietly added, "In his own ways…."

Calamity tossed his deck of cards into the air. "Forget parlor games, I've just thought of something far more enjoyable!" They poured from the sky, fluttering about them like cheap confetti. "Why not a little wager, princess? Five to one odds that your champion will discover your deception, and your integrity will pay dearly."

She raised an eyebrow. "And the take?"

"Loser has to polish the triforce for the next millennia."

Zelda held out her hand as the queen of hearts sailed onto her palm.

She smiled. "Deal."

* * *

It wasn't that Link found King Rhoam boring, per se. But the image of his beard, thick and white as summer clouds, and swaying in time to his monotone string of words, was such a pleasant and lulling visual.

"...lo, a century ago…."

It also didn't help that Link wasn't particularly fond of long, drawn out speeches, especially when they related to a sprawling history lesson, and he hadn't slept in such a ghastly long time, and his eyes felt so much better when they were closed instead of open….

King Rhoam grunted. " _Link_."

"I'm awake!" He shook his head and grinned. "See? Perfectly attentive."

"Yes. As I was saying." The king's face resumed its somber expression. "That princess," he said gravely, "was my own daughter." He gave a pregnant pause. " _Zelda_."

"Zelda?" Link perked up straightaway. "Oh, you mean my wife!"

Rhoam's mouth fell open. "You're _what_?"

"My wife," Link continued. "My spouse, my bride, my mate, my consort, my other half, my –"

King Rhoam raised his hand. "Thank you, Link, that's more than enough synonyms." He folded his hands behind his back. "However, permit me to add that I do not believe you and Zelda were ever married."

Link laughed. He didn't recall the king having such a well developed sense of humor, but that was amnesia for you. "There's no use trying to fool me, my liege. I know all about it. Zelda herself came to me when she first awoke. She told me she was my wife, and –" Link stopped. Why was the king trembling? And glowering fiercely? And turning an unappealing shade of plum? It was almost as if...

"You didn't know?" Link whispered. His eyes grew wide as the pieces fell into place. "Yes, yes, of course you wouldn't know!"

"Pray, exactly why wouldn't I know my own daughter, the heir to my throne and kingdom, had gotten married?"

"We must have kept it secret from you." Link's eyes sparkled like diamonds in a crown. "Obviously!"

"And why would you have done something so incredibly obnoxious and cruel?"

"Forgive me, my liege, but you yourself must have partially guessed by now. She was a high and noble princess. I was but her lowly appointed knight." Link paused, letting the delicious tragedy of a thwarted romance, at his hands no less, sink in like a slow dagger. Then he added in a choking, accusatory whisper, "You would never have approved."

"Nonsense! I most certainly would have approved!"

Link cocked his head. Not the reaction he had expected. "Really?"

"Of course! You are the Chosen of the Sword that Seals the Darkness! You are brave and loyal and true, you protected the royal family, especially my Zelda, with your very life, time and time again. How happy I would have been to see you become my son-in-law." His eyes gently misted. "In fact, I would have been truly touched….."

Link laughed nervously. "Well. As you know, my memories are more than a bit fuzzy. I agree, it all seems rather strange, but I'm sure there's a purely logical explanation for the discrepancy, and – "

But before the matter could be discussed further, Link snagged the paraglider out of King Rhoam's hand and plunged into destiny.

* * *

"...and so, the Princess used her sacred power to seal away Calamity Ganon."

The story was complete. Impa's wrinkled face was grave and sober, her mouth as firmly closed as the last page in a book.

Link leaned forward. "And….?"

Impa blinked. "And what?"

Link suppressed a groan. Why was everyone so unwilling to suggest even the barest hint of his marriage to the princess he was constantly bidden to save? One would think a sly glance or a knowing wink would be the ultimate way to light a fire under his feet (among other places), but everyone he came across, aside from lecturing him, seemed intent on stressing his Hero's destiny over the – _ahem_ – more primal motivations for rescuing that great lady in white.

"Impa, are you positive that's the _whole_ story of Princess Zelda and her tragically unwavering, fatally devoted knight?"

"I am old. My memory is as long as it is weary. It is possible I have left one or two things out."

Link smirked. "Thought so."

"But the most imperative details of your life before have been relayed to you. What more could you possibly want to know? Anything else must prove inconsequential when compared to the great magnitude of your quest – of which I will happily answer any questions before you tread that great path of destiny."

There it was again – _destiny_. Well, he did want to know more, and he did have questions.

His hand shot up in the air.

"Yes?"

"I notice I'm not wearing a ring."

"That is not a question."

"Let me rephrase: When you laid my torn and beaten body upon the Shrine of Resurrection in the hope that I might awaken one hundred years later to smote the great blight which feasts upon these fair lands, and you cast your tears and prayers and supplications over my unconscious and supine form, you first stripped me of all my mortal possessions."

"Except for your underpants."

Link reddened. "Yes. Except for those."

"You still have not asked me a question."

Link shoved his hand into Impa's face. "Where's my ring, Impa?"

"What ring?"

"My wedding ring!"

Impa blinked. "You wore no ring."

"In that case, I have another question."

Impa sighed. She glanced at the clock on the wall. "Very well."

"Since I'm a married man and wore no ring, then clearly Hylians must use a different method of symbolizing that most sacred and blessed of unions, and I'm curious as to what it is. Necklaces? Unity candles? Locks of hair? An exchange of cattle?" Link's face lit up. "Is it possible I own a herd of dairy cows?" One hundred years of interest had been absolute murder on his tab at the milk bar.

Impa flashed her glinting left hand. "We use rings." She inserted her hand back into the inky sea of her gown. "Now, the time for words is over. The time for action has arrived. Princess Zelda has been awaiting your return all these long and painful years." She bowed her head and closed her eyes. "Depart, for the time for you to shoulder the Hero's burden and free Hyrule from the grip of the enemy is at hand."

Minutes passed. Naught but the breeze stirred the sanctity of the room, the whisper of a prophecy fulfilled.

Impa reopened her eyes to a placid and grinning Link. "Why are you _still_ here?"

"Just one more question."

"One more, and then you must be off with your questing."

Link appraised the elder, eyeing her up and down and up again. "Do Sheikah shrink as they age?"

As Link picked himself up from the heap on the porch where two guards had unceremoniously deposited him, he heard a wizened voice call out to:

"And don't come back without the princess!"

* * *

After twenty minutes, Revali finally stopped laughing.

Link frowned. "Was that really necessary?"

To answer, Revali began laughing again. "Zelda...consenting...to marry…..you...can't...too funny…..never in a million years…..!"

Link sniffed. "I think it's clear why we never informed you of our nuptials!" Then he sailed away in his paraglider with all the dignity that could possibly be mustered by a man being ridiculed by dead, incorporeal bird.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long to get up. I meant to have this up much sooner, but there were some unforseen delays. Also, I know I said this would be the last chapter, but there will be a short little epilogue that I'll put up within the next day or two to wrap everything up. Thanks for reading :)

Few knew, and even fewer would believe, that Zelda's first love had been the moon.

The affair began when she was quite young, developed during those long, lonely nights spent in prayer. Though it was the golden light which was her sacred birthright, it had always been a goal, not a friend. The silvery moonlight made no demands. It bathed her in mystery and beauty, and without asking for anything in return. It had won her affection, and in turn those faithful and raidiant beams watched over her each and every night.

Except for this night. This night, her loyal companion was shrouded, veiled in a crimson terror as thick as honey.

"Why, Calamity?" Zelda tore her eyes from the abomination mounting the night sky. She moved away from the cathedral windows that adorned Hyrule Castle's Sanctum, and confronted the beast within. "Why does it always have to be blood with you?"

Calamity Ganon snorted. "Don't pretend to be squeamish, princess. I've seen you at the dissection labs."

"I can't imagine what you mean."

"Please! They didn't call you the 'heir to a throne of ethically dubious scientific practices' for nothing."

"Even so, your disgusting predelicition has nothing to do with science, or of anything remotely useful. It's a deranged obsession!"

"Considering the types of bodily fluids available for me to obsess over, I think blood should be the least of your concerns."

He did have a point. But rather than admit it, Zelda simply bowed her head, closed her eyes, touched each hand to either temple, and stretched her mind in search of a familiar, comforting pulse of life.

_Link...  
_

_Link...  
_

_Be on your guard….  
_

_Ganon's power grows...  
_

_It rises to its peak under the hour of the Blood Moo-_

Zelda abruptly stopped. She snapped her eyes open and heaved a weary sigh. "Yes, Link." A pause. "Yes, I know we need to talk about our relationship, but can it not wait? It's not really a good time for me. Or for you, for that matter." Another pause. "Because your currently being attacked by dozens of foul, reanimated creatures, that's why!"

"He's simply impossible, isn't he?"

"Quiet! Can't you see I'm in the middle of a mind-call?"

"Always has been, always will be." He held out a hand. "Put me on. Let me try to talk some sense into the boy."

"Absolutely not!" She touched her temples again. "No, no, Link, I wasn't talking to you. Yes, that was Calamity Ganon. No, I'm not putting him on!"

"Looks like someone's getting a bit suspicious," Calamity said with a cackle. "Better get your polishing rags ready."

"Listen to me, Link: You and I both know Calamity would have nothing to say that wasn't horrifying or grotesque, and I promise you that when you're not in the middle of hacking half of Hyrule to bits and Ganon is safely banished back into the netherworld, we will have a lengthy talk about our relationship!" A pause. "Yes, Link." Another pause. "Yes, of course I know you'll always believe in me." A slow, smug smile spread across her face.

The blood moon waned. Calamity's power diminished.

"Seems like I'll be enjoying an especially chore-free millennia," Zelda chirped. "Oh, and by the way, all your monsters are dead again."

"Don't think you've won, princess! There's plenty more blood moons where that came from!"

* * *

The gathering was small, yet heartfelt, the weather nothing short of divine.

Blossoms fell with the dappled sunshine over the newly erected Tarrey Town. The buildings gleamed with fresh paint. The cobblestone courtyard was free of any chips or cracks. Hudson and Rhondson, standing arm-in-arm in the birthplace of their love, were resplendent in their wedding raiment and the effulgent smiles of eternal devotion.

"You're a lifesaver, Link. I couldn't have done any of this without you. But there's just one more wrinkle…."

"For the last time, Hudson, I'm not changing my name to Linkson."

"Ah, well. Never hurts to ask. Shall we begin?"

Kapson walked staidly up the aisle. The idle chatter dimmed. Somewhere, a pipe organ groaned out an extended chord, and an electric mood surged through the crowd of wedding guests – Link not the least among them. He stood with rapt eyes, every muscle coiled. How could he not be riveted to the sight? After all, this was the culmination of all his hard work, the countless miles, the painstaking recruitment campaign, the untold hours of lumberjacking, from which he was still plucking out the occasional splinter.

But despite all the hardships, he'd be lying (and Hylia knew honesty was at the forefront of what Link considered the most essential qualities) if he said any of it was done begrudgingly. Far from it, in fact. Every minute – nay, every second – was more than worth the effort. For one, the new friendships gained were a priceless commodity in this post-Calamity, amnesiac-riddled world. And for another, Gerudo weddings were famous for their all-you-can-eat buffet receptions.

Link and his extraordinary olfactories took a deep inhale. Yes, there was nothing like the distinct aroma of creamy heart soup and unpaid labor wafting in the wind. But even free food couldn't trump the chief reason for Link's generosity:

He needed that memory.

The memory of their wedding day. The memory of when he and Zelda had made their vows before the eyes of the world below and the goddesses above. He needed it like air in his lungs, like a fairy in his pocket on the eve of a blood moon. And if his brief experience with memory reclamation had taught him anything, it was that he needed to witness a wedding to get it.

Kapson coughed twice, then raised both fins. "Beloved family, friends, coworkers. We are gathered here today to join Hudson and Rhondson in matrimony."

The tell-tale tingle began crawling up Link's spine. He clenched his fists and grinned as the world before him stretched and pulled, elongated into a piece of threadbare cloth, and a new world emerged from the gaps in the warp and weft of the old, a scene from a forgotten life brought to the fore:

_The Temple of Time….._

The place at which all sacred ceremonies were performed. So far, so good.

… _.a crescent moon of friends and family around them, glows of eagerness in their eyes….._

A gathering much like the one he was in attendance now. Even better.

… _.Zelda, serene and beautiful in a gown of flowing white….he in Royal Blue, kneeling by her side….._

Perhaps an odd arrangement for a wedding ceremony. But she was a princess, after all, and he'd learned enough about Old Link to know he was nothing if not painfully subservient.

… _.and before them her father, his magnanimous beard quivering as he spoke…._

Was this it?

" _Zelda, before the eyes of these witnesses and those of Goddess Hylia…_

Was this the one memory that he had prayed day and night to receive?

… _.do you promise…_

The one memory he longed for above all others?

_...to name all of your daughters according to the Hyrulian Princess naming convention?"_

Link snapped back to a burst of applause, whistling, and gratuitous well-wishes.

"I now pronounce you man and wife!"

Not a dry eye remained. Tarrey Town was a swirl of happy sobs and dripping hankies. And why not? There was much to celebrate. Two wonderful people were embarking on a lifetime journey of love, and although Link still had no confirmation that he would one day father Zelda's children, the people of Hyrule could rest assured that whoever did father them was bound by their princess' oath to deliver another generation of Zeldas.

Link clapped numbly, mindlessly. A hand slapped hard across his back.

"Nothing to be ashamed of, Link," Bolson said, his face a blubbering mess. "Weddings always make me cry, too."

* * *

The Scourge of Vah Ruta was destroyed, along with Link's confidence.

"I'm confused, Mipha. So utterly confused." He laid his head in Mipha's lap, which, being intangible, meant that Link's head was pressed against the cold, hard ground. But the intended effect was there. "On one hand," he continued, "there's Zelda – sweet and golden as a freshly baked cookie – who told me herself that she was my wife. But on the other hand, there's every single person in all of Hyrule, who swear up and down that Zelda and I –" He paused.

"Go on, Link."

Link sat up. He buried his face in his hands. "I can't say it."

"My dear Link. Ever since you were a young child, I would heal your wounds. And now, though a hundred years dead and of very little use to you, perhaps I can heal something else."

"What do you mean?"

She touched his heart with her hand, which, being intangible, meant that it pushed straight through him until Link looked as though he had an arm growing out of his chest. But the intended effect was there.

"Don't you see?" she asked. "You fear there has been some deception at play. But perhaps it is nothing more than a miscommunication."

"I don't understand."

"When do you ever do? But let's try to unmuddy the waters of your memory for a moment, shall we? Think back, Link. Has anyone that you've come across outright said that you were  _not_  married?"

Link parsed his mind for a solid twenty minutes, then grinned. "No!"

"Exactly!" Mipha's eyes shimmered, her smile sweet as fruitcake. Had she always been so pure? So free of any guile or cunning? "All anyone ever implied was that you were not married to  _Zelda_!" she cried.

His grin fell. "But how..?" He shook his head. "But if I am married, but I'm not married to Zelda, than who am I…"

Mipha pressed against him with her body, which, being intangible, meant that she slid closer and closer until she merged completely into him. But the intended effect was  _definitely_  there. "You know, Link," her voice reverberated inside his head, "Zora marriages don't use rings..."

Vah Rutah's mighty legs shook the earth with every step. It's screeching battle cry thundered across the night sky. Calamity Ganon was one step closer to his demise and Link, a safe distance away from spectrophilia or undesirable spirit possession, sat dismally by a fire, untangling the secrets of his old life.

"How strange," he mused to the crickets, who in his opinion gave the best advice. "How strange that I began this journey with one wife, and am now ending it with possibly two." He rested his chin against his fist. "I know how I feel now. But how important is it to know how I felt  _then_?"

_Chirp chirp._

"You're right, as usual. How can I can be sure of my destiny if I can't even be sure of my heart? How can I be sure  _anything_?" he screamed to the ambivalent stars.

They gave no answer.

And thus our hero found himself stripped of the unflinching resolve necessary to complete any epic adventure. Would he ever find the determination to fulfill his destiny? Would the princess ever be rescued? The land cleansed of the infection known as Calamity Ganon?

Was there no one who could set his path straight and save them all?

* * *

"Oh, you and Zelda were married." Urbosa's grin was positively feral. "Totally married. One hundred percent married. And trust me when I say it was a very  _satisfying_  union." With one, clean stroke she slapped him on the butt. "Now go out there and rescue your wife!"

* * *

Link wasted no time in vaulting atop trusted steed number thirty-seven and charging straight towards Hyrule castle.

He patted the tawny mane. "We've been through thick and thin together, haven't we girl? Why, there was that time we killed those monsters, and that other time I left you in a field to graze for a few months. So many good memories, and if we get through this alive, who knows, I might even name you!"

The mare galloped on. Through the ruins of Castle Town, across the crumbling bridge. Link's wheat-colored hair whipped about his face. "Almost there." The sky cracked open, and a bolt of blood-red lightning cleaved the air in two and sent his mount rearing.

Link gripped the reigns. "Steady on girl, steady on." The castle was threaded with black smoke and despair, and somewhere within the hellish fog, Zelda was waiting.

* * *

Ganon was as famous as he was feared. No matter where Link traveled, Legends of the terrible monster abounded, and he spent no little time himself wondering what kind of nightmarish fiend awaited him. But the gruesome reality that was Dark Beast Ganon outstripped anything Link's feeble imagination might have conjured: limbs the size of tree trunks, putrid flesh, glistening tusks, and a pair of eyes so hateful that to stare into them would be his end.

(To say nothing of the pig motif.)

"By Hylia!" Link cried. "I must remember to pick up bacon the next time I'm at the market. I've completely run out!"

But of all the horrors Link expected out of his mighty and perennial foe, a running commentary was not one of them, and was by far the most disturbing.

"– and then you come charging in, flinging that sword around like some conductor on a sugar rush –"

With much effort, Link smote Ganon a number of quelling blows. But his enemy was too strong. The blade that had vanquished the servants could not undo the master. Something more was needed. Something more powerful than mere steel, and the courage to wield it.

" – entirely pointless, as usual. As if you haven't done this a thousand times before. As if somehow a few little cuts are going to kill me when you KNOW I am never defeated until the light arrows –"

"Link!" Zelda's disembodied voice cried out. "The bow of light!"

An arc of pure, shining gold descended from above. Link caught the glowing object midair, his hand burning with warmth and power at the touch. It coursed down his arm, through his whole body, a pulse of valor that thrummed through every vein and set his heart ablaze. Ganon would fall. Oh, yes, Ganon would lay slain across these fields, and by no one's hands but his own!

"– and don't get me started on the blatant and willful ignorance. I mean really, how obtuse can one person be? How gullible? When you have all of Hyrule spelling the obvious facts out for you, and practically  _throwing_  themselves at you to boot – but no. You insist on believing the illusion, on rescuing your so-called "wife" – the one who you don't even remember from a peril that's already killed you once before!"

He took aim, and fired.

"Talk about naive! But they never learn, do they? No, they never bother asking themselves what the point of it all is when in another few ages I'll simply rise back out of the ashes and we'll climb aboard the merry-go-round for another turn!"

The blow was struck. The beast collapsed. A sphere of dazzling light hovered in the air – a hazy form of a maiden in white.

Could it be?

"Zelda!"

Her face, so lovely and wise, was furrowed in deep concentration as her goddess power enveloped the writhing beast and his blood-curdling shrieks.

"AND THE WORST PART OF IT IS I'M ON TRI-FORCE CLEANING DUTY FOR THE NEXT MILLENIA!"

Ganon shriveled into a pinprick of pure, black malice, and was no more.

The fog dispersed. Blue skies returned. The sun emerged, and everything was light and peace once more.

Link did not hear her bare footsteps. But in the air was the scent of flowers and the warmth of her smile on his back.

He turned around. There she was. Zelda. His Zelda. After all the trials and confusion, the despair and longing, a single question burned on his lips:

"What in Hylia's name was he talking about?"

Zelda smiled. "I have no idea!"


	4. Epilogue

Hateno village had seen quite the boom since Calamity Ganon's demise, so much so that the local inn keeper had expanded his business to include a vegan drink bar, dessert counter, and an al fresco cafe, at which the Princess and her Hero could be spotted many an afternoon, sipping foamy drinks or nibbling on finger foods.

"Snack time is the most fundamental meal of the day," was Link's sage explanation, should anyone care to ask.

Zelda, in particular, was fond of the princess blossom tea, and Link, to his eternal surprise, could never get enough of their world-famous frog legs.

"And to think I was horrified when you first suggested it." He spat out another bone. "I'm not sure what my old self had against culinary adventures, because out in the wild there was nothing I wouldn't throw into the cooking pot at least once."

Zelda quirked an eyebrow. "Nothing?"

Link leaned across the table and whispered, "I'm convinced beetles simmered in chuchu jelly will be the next big thing in gourmet fusion." He placed a finger over her lips. "But that's just between you and me."

Zelda suppressed a shudder. Clearly, she would need to take a firm hand where meal planning was concerned. "Even so, it was wrong of me to force it upon you."

"Probably." He popped another fried leg into his mouth. "But you are the wielder of wisdom. I should remember to trust your judgement."

 _Trust_. Zelda opened her mouth, then closed it. If ever there was a time for clean breaks and new beginnings. "Is my judgement really so trustworthy?" She poured herself another cup of tea.

"What do you mean?"

One lump of sugar, a splash of cream. The  _clink clink_ of the spoon as she stirred. Every one of her movements calm and unhurried, and a glowing smile plastered indefatigably on her face. Growing up in a glass palace had molded her into a fine little actress, indeed. "Only that it wasn't me who completed all the shrines, released the Divine Beasts, and dealt Ganon his death blow," she said between sips.

"And it wasn't me who kept him at bay for one hundred years while my Knight Escort indulged in a very long nap." His eyes crinkled. His smiles were never a forgery; he could never be anything but sincere. "You've always been too hard on yourself, princess."

"Shall we call it even, then?" She held out her hand.

They shook. "Deal."

"And that's the best one I've made in the last one hundred years!" she laughed, and the coil in her chest wound tighter.

The afternoon waned. Shadows fell across the cafe patrons languidly nursing their drinks, a stark contrast to the bevy of children released from school and running riot in the town center. Link watched them for a pensive moment, a cryptic little smile forming on his lips.

He whipped out his Sheikah slate and thumbed through the pictures. "Found it!" He handed the device to Zelda. On the screen was the image of a plump, red-headed baby. "My godson," he explained.

She nearly spat out her tea. "Where did you find the time to get a  _godson_?"

"Oh, here and there. Reawakening the Divine Beasts had me riding all over Hyrule, and with that much mileage one is bound to do things like meet people, make friends, help any number of strangers with their personal problems, develop several cookbooks' worth of recipes, accrue an obscene amount of money, purchase a house, build a new town, embark on an ambitious recruiting campaign for a company I don't work for, unite a couple in marriage, agree to become a godfather for said couple…." He shrugged. "You know, the usual stuff."

"And they decided to have a baby so soon after the wedding?"

"Well, isn't that what people do when they're married. Have babies?"

Alarm bells exploded in Zelda's head. As far as she knew, she hadn't transformed into a frog leg herself, so why was he looking at her like he wanted nothing more than to gobble her up? "What did you say his name was?" she squeaked.

"Hudson and Rhondson decided to name him after his father."

"So it's Rhondson?"

"No."

"Hudson?"

"No."

Zelda's eyes narrowed. "Please tell me it's not 'Link'," she whispered.

"No! It's Hudsonson. Apparently, Bolson Construction Company has very strict naming regulations when it comes to their employees." He chuckled. "A bit odd, if you ask me."

"Perhaps. But I shouldn't be one to judge, considering how much I know about archaic naming conventions."

"Yes." His laughter died. "I'm sure you do."

Link fell silent. His eyes drifted past her to the children playing and the townsfolk rushing about their chores. Zelda, who by now had gained the ability to distinguish between Link's 'normal quiet' and his 'meaningful quiet,' had surmised that something was not quite right.

"Is there something wrong, Link?"

Perhaps he had not heard her, for he was quiet many moments. Zelda was on the brink of repeating her question when he sighed.

"The truth is, Zelda, I've recalled quite a few memories over the past months. And yet, with all I've gained, there's still one crucial memory that's strangely missing."

"Oh?" The teacup shook as she raised it to her lips. "Was it when you pulled out the master sword?"

"No."

"The knighting ceremony? When you were chosen as my champion?"

"That memory was a little too vivid, actually."

"The time you ate caterpillars for science?"

His blue gaze, clear as the sky after a storm, all but stopped her heart. "I have no memory of our wedding."

She swallowed, and set down her cup. "Why don't you tell me exactly what you do you remember?"

"Where to begin?" He leaned back in his seat. "I have a lot of memories of you hating me. Then I have some memories of you not hating me as much. Then I have a few memories of you and I being somewhat friendly. And then – all of our friends and family horrifically dying." He ran a hand roughly through is hair. "Putting them all together it appears to me there's not much room for a wedding, to say nothing of a honeymoon!"

Zelda lowered her head. The tea leaves swirled in her cup, the brew cold and bitter. "No. I suppose not."

"Zelda?"

"Yes, Link?"

"We never got married, did we?"

"No, Link."

"Then why did you tell me you were my wife?"

"I…"

"Did you think it was the only way I would rescue you?"

"No!"

"That I would be so cowardly as to abandon my duty to you unless I thought –"

"No, of course not!" She stood. "It was just a stupid, stupid impulse, and I know I've ruined everything – but please believe me when I say that the last thing I ever wanted was to hurt you."

Could he hear her heartbeat? It was thunder in her ears. Too loud, too much – everything was too much.

She turned to flee. But a strong hand gripped her arm and pulled her back.

"Please don't go, Zelda. I'm not angry, I just want to know  _why_."

It was so easy for him, wasn't it? The world was so black and white. Link, with all his goodness and bravery, never dabbled in the shades of gray.

Could she really make him understand?

"You were asleep for so long," she said. "One hundred years! And everyday, all I could think about was the moment you would wake up. And when your eyes finally opened, and you started telling me how beautiful I was…"

"Ah, that…." He rubbed the back of his neck with a sheepish smile. "I realize I may have been a bit... _forward…_  at the time."

Talk about understatements. "You were. But you weren't yourself. And you didn't remember who I was. You had no idea at all." Now came the hard part. "I told you I was your wife because that's what I wanted to be true, because I was too afraid to tell you the truth."

"What truth?"

She looked away. "That you didn't love me."

"I do love you!"

"You only think that because of what I said. But one hundred years ago, you didn't. Back then, I was just your duty."

Link reached out a hand and turned her face back to him, brushed away the tears. "Back then I was too afraid to say what I felt."

"How can you know?"

"Maybe I can't know for sure. But what I did or didn't feel back then – none of that matters. All that matters is how I feel today." He smiled. "A very wise person once told me there are things that need not be remembered."

"Like courage?"

"Like love." Then he bent down, his face drawing closer, closer.

Zelda held her breath.

"Link! Buddy! Pal!" A hand slapped hard across Link's back. "Been awhile since I've seen you, not since the wedding, right? How's that house been holding up?" Bolson stopped as he noticed Zelda. "Why hello there..." His eyebrows waggled. "Don't remember seeing you around. Who's the new lady, Link?"

Link wrapped an arm around tight around her shoulder, and she'd never felt so much like she belonged.

"She's my wife!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realize this chapter was a bit less humorous than the others, but I do genuinely ship these two and wanted to write something at least a little shippy! Hopefully there was enough lolz to appease the crack addicts.
> 
> Anyway, thanks for all the reads, reviews, and kudos. This is my first Zelda fic and I was blown away by the response. I have a few other ideas for LOZ fics (some funny, some not so funny) and hopefully I'll have the time to get to them this summer.


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